Funny Explain How a Woman Gets Pregnant
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
So God's getting ready to go on vaction...
And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" And God says, "Huh, not Earth again, last time I went there I got this Jewish girl pregnant and they haven't stopped talking about it since!'
My girlfriend told me she was pregnant, so I started looking for some names...
...in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like a choir boy.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)
It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in other boxes.
How does a pregnant mermaid give birth?
"Sea-section"
Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.
You can explore pregnant womb reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean pregnant tummy dad jokes. There are also pregnant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My GF said she wanted to try in the other hole.
I'm afraid she might get pregnant, what should I do ?
"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant
"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"
Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"
Son, did you just-
"Yes"
You're ready.
Success is like being pregnant
Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.
How come Barbie never got pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?
A man who didn't take it out in time.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant
But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Dad my girlfriends pregnant
"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"Yes."
"You're ready."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."
I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant??
Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.
There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant...
...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...
"My mom is gonna kill me."
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
One dumbass who never pulls out in time
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
I am 51 and my girlfriend is 8
Months pregnant and I'm starting to panic a little. Do you think I am too old to be a dad?
I told my husband I'm pregnant.
He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"
What's in a name?
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
My best friend swore up and down that he would stop taking credit for my accomplishments.
Then today he called me to brag that he got his wife pregnant.
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."
The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed
"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.
"It's an inside joke."
Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?
Because Ken always came in another box.
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?
Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em
My wife's pregnant. She wondered if it's really hot in there for the baby.
I said, "It's likely womb-temperature."
What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?
You left it in too long.
"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!"
"Actually, you're not."
My town never changes population.
Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
So it's April 2nd
And my wife's still pregnant...
Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed.
Things like, my job, my phone number and my address
A woman threatens her boyfriend
A woman threatens her boyfriend :
"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"
- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.
- "Wait, what ? You're not 8 months pregnant ?"
"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor
-"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"
What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?
They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her.
I said, Nah, it's probably womb temperature.
I just made love to my girlfriend
She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"
I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.
"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".
I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn't prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.
It just changes the color of the baby. :(
What do cannibals call pregnant women?
Kinder surprise
Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.
The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
When my wife got pregnant everything changed
My name, my address and my phone number
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.
I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A body builder
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
[Blonde] What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Just a Dad Joke
Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I'm Dad
Wife:No you're not
My friend's girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I'm pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
because Ken comes in a different box
My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance
My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot
I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.
After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls.
I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. I answered Duplicate.
Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.
My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.
Each year, a lawyer takes his holidays at an out of the way, country hotel.
With each visit, he continues his affair with the hotel owner's daughter.
On his visit this year he finds out she has given birth to twin boys.
Why on earth didn't you tell me? said the astonished lawyer.
You know I would have married you and provided for the babies.
The woman replied, That may be so. But when I told my parents I was pregnant, we talked over the options and decided it was far better to have a couple of bastards in the family than a lawyer".
A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.
"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."
What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?
They all have *contractions*.
An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.
The doctor paused and said, There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.
But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.
When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear.
The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart!
The old man said, That's stupid! The bullet must have been shot by another person.
That's exactly right, said the doctor.
What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?
A swallow
A little boy goes up to his pregnant mum, points at her fat belly and says, what's that?
She says… (a bit startled…) erm… that's a baby your daddy gave me that…
So the little boy walks off to find his dad with a confused look on his face…
daddy did you give mummy a baby ?
yeh I did son, that's right why do you ask…?
well don't give her another, she ate the last one!
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman all have in common?
An idiot who didn't take it out in time.
I always give my seat to blind or pregnant people
Guess I won't be piloting again any time soon
A man was driving his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver their baby. The car got stuck in the mud.
He said, I guess one of us is gonna need to push
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
A 90 year old man gets married...
A 90 year old man gets married to a 20 year old. He goes to the doctor to make sure that he is physically fit enough for relations.
The doctor then says, "You know how young folks can get lonely without someone of their own age to talk to, why don't you get a young border to... keep her company?"
The 90 year old man thinks this is an excellent idea. Later the doctor meets up with him and asks, "How is your wife?"
The old man says, "Great she is pregnant."
The doctor then says, "And how is your young border?"
The old man replies, "Just as great, she is pregnant too!"
10 years ago I went camping at yellow stone and my wife got pregnant.
2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.
After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.
What do you call it?
What do you call it when pregnant women get really dramatic and start making up a bunch of 'what - if' scenarios?
Ovary acting! (I'll see myself out...)
My brother named his kid Hayden, Cayden, Brayden, and Jayden. His wife is pregnant again and asked for a name suggestion. I didn't want to contribute to this terrible name scheme.
So I said Okayden
My pregnant wife worried I was playing too much poker
"Don't worry," I assured her, "After he's born, I'm going to see him... and raise him!"
Source: https://jokojokes.com/pregnant-jokes.html